


she was worth it

by allusan



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Break Up, F/F, i hate the cw, im so mad at the sg writers right now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-28
Updated: 2017-09-28
Packaged: 2019-01-06 13:20:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12212076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allusan/pseuds/allusan
Summary: im so sorry for this it was cathartic to write i hope youre having a good day otherwise





	she was worth it

“J’onn, please…” Alex desperately begged through thick tears, her voice barely above a whisper.

A convulsing sob further slumped her shoulders and she fell to a seated position in the DEO med bay. She covered her face, forcefully wiping beneath her eyes, then placed her left hand behind her to support her defeated figure on the bed. The floor beneath her, sterilized tile, was blurred and warped by her seemingly endless flow of salty tears as she hung her head low, fixated on the ground, unable to look him in the eye.

 

_“I’m here, okay? You can tell me anything,” Maggie assures with a soft smile, gently rubbing Alex’s arm. Alex nods, but doesn’t make eye contact._

_“Hey, look at me,” whispers the concerned detective, then gently lifts Alex’s chin to look in her eyes, “What happened with your dad?”_

_One shaky breath is all it takes, and Alex begins to cry._

_“Oh, sweetie…” Maggie scoops Alex into her arms and soothingly rubs her back, her other hand holding the ailing agent into her body like cradling a football. Alex’s choking sobs shake her body and Maggie’s in turn._

_Maggie’s thumb, previously entwined in her girlfriend’s hair, strokes her forehead softly, “It’s okay.”_

One fat drop escaped her tear ducts, fell onto the smooth material, and splattered outwards on impact with radial symmetry. She looked to her right, still avoiding J’onn’s gaze, at the familiar monitors and machines.

 

 _“Those firsts that you talked about?” Alex’s voice is soft and sweet, almost as if the statement is made merely by breath, angled and directed by the formation of her lips rather than her vocal chords producing real sound. Maggie nods patiently, encouraging her to continue, her eyes beginning to slick with fresh tears; Alex can tell she’s already been crying by the slight swelling above her cheeks and in her lips, and the striking red vessels proliferating from the inner corners of her eyes. “I wanna have them_ all, _with you.”_

_The growing pool threatens to spill over as Maggie smiles and scrunches her brows upward, in an expression of gratitude and relief._

_An expression of love._

_“I never wanna stop having firsts with you,” she admits breathily as her eyes flit back and forth to meet Maggie’s individually, then down to her lips._

_She tucks a strand of Maggie’s hair behind her ear and delicately holds her cheek, sliding slowly down to caress her jaw with her thumb, “I love you, Maggie Sawyer.”_

 

“Damn it, J’onn, mind-wipe me!” Alex’s sorrow turned to rage as the memory flooded her senses, and she threw the nearby pillow to the ground. She continued to shake as she stood and challenged him with her eyes, the sheer determination in them comparable to her sister’s heat vision, and enough to force anyone into submission – anyone except her superior officer, who calmly stood his ground with a look of knowing pity. “I can’t… I can’t _do_ this, please…”

The Martian walked toward her slowly as her anger reverted to grief, devastation, helplessness… it pained him to see such an unfathomably strong woman wilt, completely overcome by anguish. He rested a tentative hand on her shoulder while she sobbed, and she sunk into him. Enveloped in her tight, despair-fuelled embrace, he brought her head to his chest and held her; two adults who for years have kept each other together, an unbreakable bond of trust and mutual admiration, standing in the med bay at 03:00.

“I just… I don’t want to feel this anymore,” Alex whispered, muffled by his shirt, and sniffled, “I don’t want to remember.” She freed her right hand to wipe her face and spotted the faintly-whiter stripe on her third finger.

 

_“She’ll be okay.”_

_Maggie had come up behind her and snaked her hands around Alex’s waist, and now holds her in a comforting hug. Her timing couldn’t be more perfect, the_ never let her go _still resounding between Alex’s ears. “I hope so,” Alex whispers back, melting into Maggie’s arms. Her beautiful girlfriend turns and, mindful of always keeping physical contact, slides an arm along Alex’s._

_“Hey. I know the Danvers girls, you don’t break easy –”_

_“Marry me.”_

 

The Danvers girls may not break easy, but they break _hard._

Alex’s cries and gasps for breath echoed throughout the glass room, bouncing off the walls to throw her sadness back at her. She wailed softly in his arms and he stepped back squarely to face her.

“I am not going to mind-wipe you, Alex,” whispered J’onn, his voice kind but firm, “I think you know that.”

He was right and they both knew it, but Alex stared him down resentfully anyway.

“When I lost my wife and daughters, I saw them everywhere. I still do sometimes. And… it hurts.” Alex’s violent sobbing decrescendoed to a silent cry, and J’onn collected himself before continuing, “It wasn’t fair that they weren’t here physically, but they were in my mind, my heart… I had to see them but couldn’t _hold_ them anymore, couldn’t talk to them, say how much I love them, and that _hurts_. For a long time.” His gaze softened and Alex noticed tears welling in his own eyes, “But Alex… forgetting the happy memories isn’t the answer.”

Alex looked down at her feet – her fear of vulnerability had finally caught up to her, and she began to figuratively collect her emotions and cram them back into the sealed box where they live, deep beneath her stoic disposition. J’onn noticed her withdrawal, and kneeled down into her field of view; this, the sight of her main authority figure squatting like a frog, made her smile a little bit despite herself.

“This hurts. It will keep hurting. However, I believe it was one of my best agents who once said ‘nobody gets better by running away’,” asserted the crouched Martian, “and I have never known you to shy away from things that might hurt you.”

She nodded again, wiping tears and snot from her face, then scratched the side of her nose. Alex _hated_ crying, especially in public, and wanted to hide as much of her face as possible.

“This is – it’s a different kind of hurt,” she sniffled, and J’onn smiled empathetically.

Alex was a different person than she was before. Most notably she came out, but Maggie was the catalyst for so much more of her growth: Alex stopped drinking almost completely, beyond a beer or two with friends. She felt her feelings, instead of ignoring them and hoping they’d go away. She let people – and aliens – in, learned about them, trusted them. Her apartment was a _lot_ cleaner, she learned to cook beyond Kraft Dinner and microwaved burritos, found a new bar, was less repulsed by hugs and contact, and so many simple routine changes, all results of Maggie’s influence.

The tiny detective planted her flag in Alex’s heart, placed careful footprints on her character, and left a gap in her wake. Maggie branded Alex, a searing burn that blistered when she left, but with time would fade.

Maggie taught her how to love and be loved.

 

Alex wasn’t sure whether he read her mind, or if he just understood.

**Author's Note:**

> im so sorry for this it was cathartic to write i hope youre having a good day otherwise


End file.
